floundering
by freedomatthesea
Summary: A little piece that came to me after an angsty headcanon I came up with after a few spoilers from 4x04. It's a little mess of clashing emotions and hurt/comfort, tied up with a happy ending ribbon.


For once in all the time that she's known Killian, she's hesitant to approach him. Not because she's afraid of him – hell, she hadn't even been afraid of him when he'd pinned to the ground back in the Enchanted Forest. She's afraid of hurting him anymore more than he already is.

He looked worse than she ever looked after a night of binge drinking and a three hundred year old pirate probably has more experience drinking than her.

"Hey." Emma offered gently, her hands tucked into her jean pockets, trying to mask how tense she is.

Killian flinches, his gaze flickering towards her for a brief moment, before returning to where it had been fixed before. His hand.

Why had he thought changing himself for her was what she wanted? She liked him just the way he was, rough edges and all. Hell, she had her fair share of rough edges and strangely all of their jagged parts seemed to fit together nicely.

Except now. This one stupid little change had put a wedge between them.

"You shouldn't be here, _Emma_." His voice cracks on her name, his jaw tensing so tightly she can see the muscle tick with the strain.

Emma shook her head with a faint, incredulous, laugh to herself. She was the master of pushing people away and yet, her she was being faced with behavior that was incredibly familiar to herself. "I come down here to think. Which is why I'm here."

Killian sighed heavily, shifting away from her when she sat at the very end of the bench. The motion caused his leather jacket to slide off the bench, revealing a knife and several bloody bunches of gauze.

"What the hell?" Emma's brows shot together. "_Killian_." She gritted out, no longer interested in being cautious with him. "What happened?"

"It won't come off."

_The hand_.

"Oh my God." The words rushed past her lips on an exhale. "You _tried_ to cut off your hand?" She rose to her feet then, her heart pounding in her chest a mile a minute. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because!" He finally snapped. His eyes fixing on her as he jumped to his feet, mirroring her tight shouldered stance. "I don't fit in here in Storybrooke, Emma. All I am is _Captain Hook_. No matter what I try to do, no matter how clear I try to make it that I'm playing for the heroes, I _know_ everyone expects me to stab them in the back. You're oblivious to it to, I don't think you even noticed that I've been floundering since I brought you back from New York."

Emma swallowed back the lump in her throat as his words slapped her across the face. She hadn't noticed – honestly, she'd been so wrapped up in everything that had happened since then. There was never much time to just breathe and take it all in. There was always some sort of crisis that needed her attention. That was the bitch of being the Savior. "I know what it's like to feel like that, believe it or not." Emma replied, her brows furrowing together. "When Henry brought me here, Regina made it her life's work to make everyone distrust me and think I was some sort of criminal… Hell, Granny kicked me out of the Inn because she didn't _house criminals_."

"Well, she doesn't bloody well house pirates either." Killian gritted out, clenching his hands into fists.

"I'm not trying to minimize any of this, Killian," Emma said quietly, hanging her head. "I didn't know and I should have." She swallowed thickly, feeling tears pricking her eyes. "And I'm _sorry_." She took a single step towards him then, testing to see if he'd shy away, but he didn't. "I didn't want you to change for me. Maybe the rest of the town doesn't like the pirate, but I'm actually _pretty_ fond of him."

His lips twitched at the corners, like he was fighting back a smile. That alone was enough to make her close the distance between them. Giving him no chance to hesitate before she wrapped her arms around him.

"_Emma_."

"Don't Emma me." She retorted, pressing a smile into the crook of his neck when he laughed. "I don't care if you have a hand or not, just so we're clear on that." She told him, pulling back just enough for her to meet his eyes. "So long as you don't try to be someone you're not."

He brought his hand up to cup her cheek, holding her gaze for a long moment, "Think we might try that date thing again?"

Emma rolled her eyes, "I would love to have another go at that. Because, I'm not going to lie to you, I would much rather dress like this," She gestured to her jeans and sweater, "than wear those heels again."

Killian stuck out his bottom lip, "I _liked_ the dress."

Emma laughed, leaning up and kissing his lips lightly. "Alright, alright, you've convinced me to wear a dress for our next date." She teased, resting her arms over his shoulders, keeping them pressed close.

"Say, you don't happen to think you could conjure up that outfit you had on when you tried to seduce the former version of myself, do you?"

"Shut up!" Emma exclaimed, flapping the back of his head playfully. "I am _not_ dressing up as a wench to go out with you." She smirked coyly, fluttering her lashes. "Though I'm not saying no to maybe making that happen _elsewhere_."

"That would make me an _incredibly_ happy man."

Emma shook her head, her eyes alight with amusement. You could put the pirate in new clothes, but he was still a pirate nevertheless. "Speaking of making you happy." She pulled back a little, running her hands down his chest as she spoke, "Your housing situation has a solution. Henry found and apartment that looks out at the water. I'm planning on moving out of my parent's by the end of the week. There's room enough for a third party."

She had never seen him look so happy before. "Are you asking me to move in with you?"

"If you want to." Emma retorted sassily, cocking her head to one side as she trailed her hands back up his chest, resting them on either shoulder. "Because I want you to."

"I'd be honored."

Emma gestured to the mess on the bench, "No more of this, though, okay?"

He nodded slowly.

"I don't care if you have one hand, or two hands, or none… I just want _you_."

Killian smiled at her, leaning in to steal another kiss. "I can be me, if that's what you want."


End file.
